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| So where the hell is god in all this? |
| 02.23.05 (11:53 am) [edit] |
 
I don't suppose God will forgive me for killing myself, but that is just the way I feel.
I was baptized in early 1996 and my life has gone down the tubes eversince. In fact, I live in a constant hell of financial misery and clinical depression.
I asked God for love, he sent me a crazy person into my life. We had everything at one time. But she was a liar and unfaithful and our business suffered, as well as my emotional state. I have been struggling through health problems, both physical and emotional for the last few years. I practically worked myself to death at the business. I basically lost everything I owned and now I am in debt and I am being sued for financial debts. And now I am all alone. I have no money to give them, I have no job and I have no hope at all left. It's all over. I can't even pay my next month's rent in my tiny little apartment. I am down to my last 140 dollars.
After dealing with this for over 3 years, I am ready to quit living. I mean by suicide. Please, I am not asking for a savior. I am only here to state my case. I don't believe in God any longer, nor do I believe in the bible. It all appears to be one big lie and I cannot stand these lies.
People keep telling me that these are lessons I am learning. I don't believe that. I am numb from head to toe and I am at the end. Do I blame God? No, not really. I more blame myself for being so stupid to live in these dream world that is Christianity. And my health just keeps getting worse.
So where the hell is god in all this? He is no where to be found. Perhaps this manic god of the bible wants me dead. Fuck, I hope so, 'cause this awful life is just not worth living any longer.
Religion was a cancer in my life and I wasted too many years believing in this invisible god. It's all just insanity and more insanity and it ruined my life.
AVOID GOD!
downthetu...@myway.com wrote:
I was baptized in early 1996 and my life has gone down the tubes eversince. In fact, I live in a constant hell of financial misery and clinical depression.
You were sucked into a phony religion that is essentially nihilistic. But just because those fundies are rotten people, doesn't mean that God's rotten too. If you reject belief in God, based on the ugliness of some who claim to worship him, you are (to put it euphemistically) throwing the baby out with the water.
I believe in a benevolent Creator, and I don't have to be Christian to believe this way. In fact, I consider myself an "animist", which puts me in the religious spectrum of pagans. Studying anthropology and world relgions/philosophies is what got me there (as a spiritual person).
No doubt you've read and watched many a tale of great misfortune befalling someone, and their heroic struggle to rise about this; resulting in a wonderful outcome. There are countless true stories of such inspiring lives...souls which have endured far WORSE than you are right now (and far longer), yet wound up in an excellent situation after their long suffering.
God does answer all prayers...well, all those that are sincere. But he doesn't usually answer them when we want; it usually takes longer. And hardship in our lives can open our hearts to others less fortunate, that had we not endured a crisis or tragedy, we'd be insensitive and callous instead.
Everything that happens to us, does not happen w/o a good reason...though said reason may not be readily apparent. You will find, over the long run, that ALL your life experiences to date (including those times that seemed pointless, boring, or desperate) evolve into an optimistic wisdom that makes a lot of pieces fall together.
I've shared this wisdom with my homeless buddies, and it seems to have been a positive impact in their lives. Two now have good jobs and are off hard drugs, three others are now emotionally stable, always clean, and totally confident their lives will turn out wonderful. (I'm a gay and street activist; see my website.)
I do not believe a truly benevolent God would allow the horrid tragedies that seem to have occurred. I say "seem"...for I've concluded that--while we each suffer for whatever reasons, from time to time--this extraordinary suffering such as from concentration camps and world wars, was not borne by the affected victims themselves, but by angelic actors who entered their bodies once their souls were shunted into a safer realm. For further explanation of my philosophy in this matter, see my essay:
Neochristianity: a gay religion
BTW, I call it "Neochristianity" tongue-in-cheek. You can be of any faith, including Buddhist or Pagan, and incorporate my optimistic belief into your own worldview. I plan to soon rename it, though, so as not to imply that one must belief in Christ to apply my ideas. That is most certainly not the case; and I explain all that in the essay.
Anywayz, don't believe everything you see/read. They are illusions on a vast stage: earth. As Shakespeare said: "All the world's a stage...". What horrors you believe may have happened to others, make you think they could happen to you, too. That is simply untrue: it is a fear, and nothing more. Think of it this way: "Worry never does any good."
Put your faith in your creator, no matter how you choose to see him or her or it. Put your faith in your self, your higher self. Each morning say to your creator (or guardian angel or other deity/magickal creature you prefer):
"Even though I don't like or understand what I'm going through, I thank you now, for I know you are strengthening my spirit, making me into a better person. You strike my soul some time (as you sculpt me) like blacksmith's hammer to anvil...and it hurts!" Go out of your way each day to put a smile on another's face. Doesn't matter who: friend, stranger, relation, co-worker, boss, homeless, etc.
Use various methods of thinking or meditation, to instill in yourself, a refreshed attitude of optimisim, several times each day.
Seek out environments and situations that are stabilizing: coffeehouses (especially open mic nights), book-reading or movie clubs or any other hobby you like (such as computers), library events, classes, activist meetings. Consider a support group; but if there's nothing out there, all the other ideas I mentioned will be a very fine support system, overall.
This is what I now do, realizing how much prouder I'll be of myself, once I'm over this horrid cycle. As miserable as my situation was, I still made others smile.
In fact, I've taken this challenge to heart, and have been trying my hand at open mic standup comedy! Actually, I'm more of a humorist, as I read from my book, I don't have it memorized. But the audiences love me! So I look forward to possible fame and fortune, as this open-mic stuff is simply my latest facet as a queer activist and homeless advocate.
Besides NOT committing suicide, do not succumb to alcohol or hard drugs. Marijuana, OTOH: go for it!
You are NOT alone, you have many angels always with you. Your experience of loneliness is an opportunity to draw resources from deep within, that you didn't know you had: spiritual resources. Don't allow panic to take over: anxiety attacks are awful, and a waste of your valuable time. Learn how to realease such nihilistic energy into a positive manifestation.
A LOT of people will soon go through crises identical to yours: our economy is gonna tank very, very soon. With 10s of millions of us in dire straits, no way will the gov't be able to control us, to keep us from losing our homes, etc. The whole world is now going through increasing crisis after crisis...causing each, in his or her own (accelerated) time to find a way through this frightening muck.
And we will. As we go through our life's horrors, eventually enough of them pile up where it becomes simply a piece of cake. We become that strong.
The best thing you've done for yourself, is to be so honest with us, about your present feelings of depression, despair, and anxiety. This means you are not closing down to life, into a little ball of fear. Let this tast of fear that wells up so frequently these days, increase your lust for life, and it's adventures each and every day. Just because you have a reaction that seems to be one of fear (or panic), does not meant that's really what it is! Ever hear of PTSD? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You suffer jolts of fear that tempt you to go stark raving insane...but you manage to hang in, there. And as the months/years pass, these anxiety attacks become a nuisance (like a migraine headach), but really mark you as a man who has real feelings for himself and this life.
Deal with each issue forthrightly, with confidence that you'll be fine. Reward yourself for your courage each and every day: have a cup of coffee in a friendly cafe, watch a fun video, take a leisurely stroll, meditate, whatever.
Oh, and make sure you have some good, hearty laughs each and every day. Watch a comedy, or read something funny, or crack your own jokes!
Sincerely,
Zeke Krahlin
--
Lavender-Velvet Revolution
gay-bible.org
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posted by: grateful1 (reply)
post date: 02.23.05 (12:17 pm)
wow, and i guess no one told this person that God didnt promise a smooth flight, just a safe landing! And i guess he/she didnt read the part about how the isrealites griped and complained and thats why they wandered in the desert for 40 years. thers one thing i can agree with you on and thats just ebcause there are rotten people doesnt mean that God is rotten and it also doesnt mean these rotten people are in any way right for their behaviors.
posted by: zekeblog (reply)
post date: 02.24.05 (1:29 am)
Good points, all of them. Thanks!
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