wow! what kind of affirmation does a person use to resist all that
What YOU'RE going through makes what I'M going through a piece of cake. YOU are my inspiration...as is my Nam Vet (missing) lover Randolph...as is my buddy Joe Cody (also w/cancer, now looks like its going into remission once more)...as is ANYONE else who has to deal with a tragedy far exceeding mine (car accident, violence, AIDS and so on). LARKIN inspires me too, now that I have the specifics on his own struggles, and how he rises above them so incredibly well.
Also: whenever I accomplish a Great Deed (spiritual breakthrough), I wind up having a piece of me removed: such as a tooth, or an injury like I just suffered, or a financial loss (also just suffered). This is the way of a shaman, sometimes...though I neither expect nor intend it. In fact, I am always so euphoric over my achievement, the likely minor sacrifice that follows is totally out of my mind. My courage and compassion in STILL reaching out to Larkin after all I've been through (including some of his meanness to me) was one of those Great Deeds. It's like a Boy Scout Initiation into Eagle Scout: the scout master strikes both collarbones in a manly salute...often BREAKING one of them. (This has since been outlawed, like campus hazing...but has its origin in shamanic initiation.)
I do not choose to go through ANY suffering for doing a Great Deed...but it ALWAYS happens. And it sure beats going through a car accident, or catching AIDS, etc. In the olden precivilized era, whenever a shaman accomplishes a Great Feat, he then must suffer a ritual wherein he is scarified, or mutilated a bit, or has a tooth pulled or a piece of flesh cut out. Don't forget she or he is highly DRUGGED during this initiation, and rarely feels ANY pain. I refer you to:
The Lakota Sun Dance
I also know some street people who intentionally self-mutilate, keeping gaping wounds OPEN...to show there is NO infection w/o any medication. The fluids are crystal clear, and the blood is bright red. You can see their veins, their muscles, even the bone. They are doing this out of a shamanic spirit...it is a SECRET order to which I am privy. I am NOT a mutilating shaman, nor would I ever choose to be. However, they have their own worshipful reasons, and in revealing their living wounds to me, I grew wise in understanding that I AM a bit like that too...on the unconscious level. Though a LOT less mutilation occurs, thank Athena!
What LITTLE suffering I go through, is also taking on some of your cross, and that of others. This transfer of negative energy triggers the healing process in those for whom I care. And I do not discriminate against an "enemy", nor favor more, a true friend. Though of course when one is in LOVE with another, you are more greatly motivated to accelerate her/his healing, than one who has seriously wronged you. So I take this very selfish favoritism and convert it into something greater than myself, to become unconditional and selfless.
Does this answer your question to your satisfaction? :b
I hate that you were attacked physically and electronically
Well, I'm so HAPPY re. Larkin, I really don't feel so bad at all. I just don't like having to go to free meals, and not be able to play pool, have coffee or hot chocolate at a coffeehouse, etc. Not to mention laundry! But it's happened for a good REASON, or it wouldn't happen at all. The reason is clear to me: a little purification of my soul...and perhaps new friends who are poor and/or homeless who I wouldn't meet if I did not go to free meals.
I'm just saddened I can't buy him another shot this month. How long I've waited for that moment, to finally treat him to a drink. That's just the SECOND time I've done it. The first was when I started courting him. That was in March. I walked up to him when he entered, and said:
"May I have the outstanding honor of buying you a happy meal, you FILTHY c*nt?"
(A "happy meal" is a bottle of Bud, and a shot of whiskey. You can "super size" it by replacing the bottle with an entire pitcher.)
Plus, Larkin doesn't know this attack and ATM theft happened to me...as he still doesn't know my jail experience, the dog attack at a bar, etc. It's FRUSTRATING, yet I know he is teaching me the art of silent communication. We CAN'T show our fondness in the bars, as too many queens will sabotage us. They almost made him homeless this time, and he sure can't afford to go through any more of that.
I have a formerly homeless friend, Don, who is now married to a wealthy lady, living in Sonora. Hopefully, he will loan me some moolah, now that I need the same kind of help I used to give him, some years back.
So we have our silent communications, such as him leaning against me while facing another at the bar and chatting with him. (So they haven't a clue about us, yet he shows his love to me.) He also is quite boisterous, and sings songs while playing pool. When I'm there, he always chooses my FAVORITE songs, such as Werewolf from London.
Do you know that his pool name (when he signs up on the board) is "Zilla". It just occurred to me yesterday: What is the first word you think of, after hearing that word "Zilla"? It's "Godzilla". And what is that first syllable? It's "God". Larkin IS my guardian angel; he can read my mind. He never had to hear me tell him what my favorite songs are...he just knows. Thus, I'm sure he knows all my trials I've been through, for his sake, and for ours. He's ALWAYS treated me like an old friend who knows everything about me.
but I LOVE that you had a good time with Larkin
When I awoke the next morning, I was SO happy, I cried for like a half hour, listening to my favorite songs. Tears of joy!
I'm going to design my latest button, which will say:
President and Founder of the Larkin Fan Club