Date: 25 Apr 2006
Subject: Re: S.F. Bay Times printed my mugging account!
I know that things like this can be traumatic.
Hope that you can heal,
Let's just say a lot of swords have been thrust into my heart. Of course I'll heal completely...and be a better person for that. Meanwhile, I break down and cry quite often each day...mainly because Larkin refuses to see or talk with me, since the mugging. But it's also because of the coldness of gay people to each other, and how even in the midst of my personal tragedy, no one is here for me.
Yet in the last week, different very attractive guys have approached me, to say or do something really nice. So I know this is an initiation to a higher level of consciousness. And of course Larkin loves me...he made that abundantly clear with all the little sweet things he's done for me well before my mugging.
Are you aware that these date-rape drugs are not just powerfully hypnotic...but are DEADLY in combination with alcohol, and/or can cause brain damage? I assume I'm outta the woods on BOTH, but not certain. Of course, I do NOT seek any medical help for this.
The kindness from others IS starting to come through. This has been quite a crossing-over, a very PAINFUL month (April), but certainly not without its beautiful moments.
Another example of this kindness, came from this VERY handsome guy who sat on my left, during dominoes. He's quite funny, and forceful. He said he'd snip off my nose if I make another bad move with a domino. I said, "Ain't gonna happen." Then he said he'll snip off my ear...and he started tugging on my left ear. I replied, "Nope. I have too noble a nose, and my ears too elfin." I think he's good friends with Larkin, as he behaved the same way to me, as Larkin does. His name is Dave...and I was hoping to hang out with him longer, but he left the game early and did not stop to talk with me.
Our queer community here, is witnessing my noble character and courage throughout...and I'll be back at Hole in the Wall in early May, and Larkin and I will be together once more.
Unless of course, he decides to ignore me further, and starts hanging out at aNOTHER bar. Which I am prepared to deal with in a civilized manner...though it's more a fear I'm dealing with. I told Larkin my PTSD sometimes manifests as fear of losing loved ones...because this is what REALLY has happened in my life, many times over, as part of what goes with being a street activist for my gay brothers.
Ergo, Larkin has decided to act as if I'll never see him again...as his way to help me grow OUT of that fear, and become even STRONGER. No one can get close to Larkin, unless he PROVES himself a very TOUGH guy (like him). And THAT is what I believe he's up to. Meanwhile, all his friends (and enemies) witness my behavior, and report back. Though I don't think they really need to, as Larkin is telepathic with me.
I don't understand all the pain I'm bearing, but I DO know it's not just for Larkin's sake, though he is the main sword in my heart. My transformation is also our community's transformation. And this trial is coming to a gentle close...whew!
I am ultimately wordless over this...and when I resume seeing Larkin, I don't think I'll be able to utter a word to him for some weeks. I won't give him the silent treatment, for he'll have all my attention whenever he wants. I just won't talk. I'll talk with anyone else, just not him. This is not in anger, but in dumbfoundedness, as well as his statement one day: "You talk too much for me, boyfriend," (and my reply: "And you don't talk enough for me." He stopped in reponse, and sighed, agreeing with my sorrow. Larkin DOES have great feelings for me; which makes me VERY proud.)
It's like after confessing my love to him, I'm suddenly tossed into a rocky, stormy sea...and to prove my love, must swim through treacherous waters, to find safe harbor somewhere, somehow...with Larkin on that shore. An Odyssey within an Odyssey. And I am Hercules sent on impossible missions to win.
I always win.
But let me ask you: Did you and your buddy go through any painful tests early on in your relationship? Tests that just manifest on their own, w/o either of you consciously instigating them? Was your love (and his) tested in various ways, say, for: jealousy, fidelity, patience, emotional stability, etc.?