As all my friends and fans know, I have this fantasy of becoming President and Founder of the world's first gay nation...which I choose to name "Athenia". And I even wrote its national anthem which you may read here:
Anywayz, this fantasy is obvious heavy channeling, which images and stories they reveal to me in visions startling in their vivid, intimate revelations. At this point in my spiritual path, I am comfortable being KNOWN as a prophet by some, but never CALLED such by anyone.
In searching for a nice image of Athena for my latest Zekeblog, I was curious to see what results I'd come up with for "Athenia". More than I ever imagined. Still scrolling through the myriad links...but already, I've discovered this scrumptious morsel of a revelation:
Ah! There must be some karmic link with the noble spirit of that ship, and of my Athenia...and of course the original Athens of the Golden Age of Greece and/or goddess Athena. Like strolling through Hades, I stroll the dark, forgotten gardens and alleyways of cyberspace, good detective that I am, searching for evidence where others can't imagine to look.
If anyone reading this, has additional wisdom or speculations regarding this "Athenia" link, I'd most appreciate your input.
I am a scavenger of cyberspace, discovering discarded/forgotten images, pages, recordings and videos; programs, routines and scripts...and rework them into new and marvelous Internet creations; akin to artists in meat space who scavenge the beaches for driftwood to sculpt into wonderful forms.
This does bother me, considerably. Who are they? Located in Clifton, New Jersey, it claims to be "A Place for all who journey in the Spirit and seek encouragement on the Way". So, ummmn, they're not, like, maybe, a tiny subsect of a sect of some Greek Orthodox Church? Or could this be one of these New Age Pagan churches? Well, to my disappointment, they are definitely Christian, quote:
"The Reformed Church in America is a mainline Christian denomination that shares with many other denominations -- Catholic, Orthodox and Protestant -- a commitment to the key themes of the Christian faith."
So I don't know if its karmic link is very strong or worth looking into...though being the founder of the world's first truly pro-gay church and naming it "The Temple of Athena", is another of my major fantasies. So that may make it most relevant in the long run. I need to discover a few more pieces to this puzzle, to deduct anything further. And since this "Athenia Reformed Church" is most likely a very conservative, even fundamentalist Christian sect...I am troubled by their use of name "Athenia". I certainly would be lying, if I did not find this most curious, as well as repulsive. I'm on the trail to further revelations, I can feel at least THAT in my gut.
I don't think even those few closest to me, have ANY idea of the spiritual odyssey I've been on, these past several months, starting in October. My head's spinning! (Don't you DARE crack an Exorcist joke now! It's just so easy it's beneath you.) What I've been describing now, is simply a current adventure among several going on simultaneously on different levels of reality, all of which I call "my life". I guess this is a "parallel universe" phenomenon?
Oh, look here: on page 5 of my alltheweb.com search for "athenia", I found this "Athenia Gaming" link (with reference in subtext to "Athenia Dragon"):
"You've read the nostalgic tales of THE WISTFUL RADIO CHRONICLES. Now here's the story behind the stories. What is the real Athenia, New Jersey like? Is there really a School No. 13? What does the creaking door on Inner Sanctum sound like? It's all here, and more in..."
Oh, and it has some lovely pix of Athenia, New Jersey, including "The Great Notch Inn...located near the Picatinny Reservoir," which (strangely enough) enjoys regional fame for its UFO sightings! :D
Did you know that Athenia is a mere 12 miles west of Times Square? (Now get me a drink; that tidbit of information is good for at LEAST one!)
There's even a species of sea creature named "Oliva athenia", which lives in a lovely, curled shell whose countless numbers (I guess) scatter the shores of New Jersey:
Their site proclaims themselves to be "a community theatre serving southeastern Ohio since 1992." But get this: the logo at the top of the home page is a drawing of the Minotaur! That's not Athenian...that's Cretan! Oh, I get it: my journey through cyberspace in this present quest, is like being in a grand labyrinth, where a supernatural monster who's been dwelling there since time immemorial seeks to hunt you down and have you for lunch.
There's an "Athenia bedroom" in a Sims game (lots of luscious purple in the bed covers, upholstery, curtains and even walls):
I don't suppose God will forgive me for killing myself, but that is just the way I feel.
I was baptized in early 1996 and my life has gone down the tubes eversince. In fact, I live in a constant hell of financial misery and clinical depression.
I asked God for love, he sent me a crazy person into my life. We had everything at one time. But she was a liar and unfaithful and our business suffered, as well as my emotional state. I have been struggling through health problems, both physical and emotional for the last few years. I practically worked myself to death at the business. I basically lost everything I owned and now I am in debt and I am being sued for financial debts. And now I am all alone. I have no money to give them, I have no job and I have no hope at all left. It's all over. I can't even pay my next month's rent in my tiny little apartment. I am down to my last 140 dollars.
After dealing with this for over 3 years, I am ready to quit living. I mean by suicide. Please, I am not asking for a savior. I am only here to state my case. I don't believe in God any longer, nor do I believe in the bible. It all appears to be one big lie and I cannot stand these lies.
People keep telling me that these are lessons I am learning. I don't believe that. I am numb from head to toe and I am at the end. Do I blame God? No, not really. I more blame myself for being so stupid to live in these dream world that is Christianity. And my health just keeps getting worse.
So where the hell is god in all this? He is no where to be found. Perhaps this manic god of the bible wants me dead. Fuck, I hope so, 'cause this awful life is just not worth living any longer.
Religion was a cancer in my life and I wasted too many years believing in this invisible god. It's all just insanity and more insanity and it ruined my life.
I was baptized in early 1996 and my life has gone down the tubes eversince. In fact, I live in a constant hell of financial misery and clinical depression.
You were sucked into a phony religion that is essentially nihilistic. But just because those fundies are rotten people, doesn't mean that God's rotten too. If you reject belief in God, based on the ugliness of some who claim to worship him, you are (to put it euphemistically) throwing the baby out with the water.
I believe in a benevolent Creator, and I don't have to be Christian to believe this way. In fact, I consider myself an "animist", which puts me in the religious spectrum of pagans. Studying anthropology and world relgions/philosophies is what got me there (as a spiritual person).
No doubt you've read and watched many a tale of great misfortune befalling someone, and their heroic struggle to rise about this; resulting in a wonderful outcome. There are countless true stories of such inspiring lives...souls which have endured far WORSE than you are right now (and far longer), yet wound up in an excellent situation after their long suffering.
God does answer all prayers...well, all those that are sincere. But he doesn't usually answer them when we want; it usually takes longer. And hardship in our lives can open our hearts to others less fortunate, that had we not endured a crisis or tragedy, we'd be insensitive and callous instead.
Everything that happens to us, does not happen w/o a good reason...though said reason may not be readily apparent. You will find, over the long run, that ALL your life experiences to date (including those times that seemed pointless, boring, or desperate) evolve into an optimistic wisdom that makes a lot of pieces fall together.
I've shared this wisdom with my homeless buddies, and it seems to have been a positive impact in their lives. Two now have good jobs and are off hard drugs, three others are now emotionally stable, always clean, and totally confident their lives will turn out wonderful. (I'm a gay and street activist; see my website.)
I do not believe a truly benevolent God would allow the horrid tragedies that seem to have occurred. I say "seem"...for I've concluded that--while we each suffer for whatever reasons, from time to time--this extraordinary suffering such as from concentration camps and world wars, was not borne by the affected victims themselves, but by angelic actors who entered their bodies once their souls were shunted into a safer realm. For further explanation of my philosophy in this matter, see my essay:
BTW, I call it "Neochristianity" tongue-in-cheek. You can be of any faith, including Buddhist or Pagan, and incorporate my optimistic belief into your own worldview. I plan to soon rename it, though, so as not to imply that one must belief in Christ to apply my ideas. That is most certainly not the case; and I explain all that in the essay.
Anywayz, don't believe everything you see/read. They are illusions on a vast stage: earth. As Shakespeare said: "All the world's a stage...". What horrors you believe may have happened to others, make you think they could happen to you, too. That is simply untrue: it is a fear, and nothing more. Think of it this way: "Worry never does any good."
Put your faith in your creator, no matter how you choose to see him or her or it. Put your faith in your self, your higher self. Each morning say to your creator (or guardian angel or other deity/magickal creature you prefer):
"Even though I don't like or understand what I'm going through, I thank you now, for I know you are strengthening my spirit, making me into a better person. You strike my soul some time (as you sculpt me) like blacksmith's hammer to anvil...and it hurts!" Go out of your way each day to put a smile on another's face. Doesn't matter who: friend, stranger, relation, co-worker, boss, homeless, etc.
Use various methods of thinking or meditation, to instill in yourself, a refreshed attitude of optimisim, several times each day.
Seek out environments and situations that are stabilizing: coffeehouses (especially open mic nights), book-reading or movie clubs or any other hobby you like (such as computers), library events, classes, activist meetings. Consider a support group; but if there's nothing out there, all the other ideas I mentioned will be a very fine support system, overall.
This is what I now do, realizing how much prouder I'll be of myself, once I'm over this horrid cycle. As miserable as my situation was, I still made others smile.
In fact, I've taken this challenge to heart, and have been trying my hand at open mic standup comedy! Actually, I'm more of a humorist, as I read from my book, I don't have it memorized. But the audiences love me! So I look forward to possible fame and fortune, as this open-mic stuff is simply my latest facet as a queer activist and homeless advocate.
Besides NOT committing suicide, do not succumb to alcohol or hard drugs. Marijuana, OTOH: go for it!
You are NOT alone, you have many angels always with you. Your experience of loneliness is an opportunity to draw resources from deep within, that you didn't know you had: spiritual resources. Don't allow panic to take over: anxiety attacks are awful, and a waste of your valuable time. Learn how to realease such nihilistic energy into a positive manifestation.
A LOT of people will soon go through crises identical to yours: our economy is gonna tank very, very soon. With 10s of millions of us in dire straits, no way will the gov't be able to control us, to keep us from losing our homes, etc. The whole world is now going through increasing crisis after crisis...causing each, in his or her own (accelerated) time to find a way through this frightening muck.
And we will. As we go through our life's horrors, eventually enough of them pile up where it becomes simply a piece of cake. We become that strong.
The best thing you've done for yourself, is to be so honest with us, about your present feelings of depression, despair, and anxiety. This means you are not closing down to life, into a little ball of fear. Let this tast of fear that wells up so frequently these days, increase your lust for life, and it's adventures each and every day. Just because you have a reaction that seems to be one of fear (or panic), does not meant that's really what it is! Ever hear of PTSD? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You suffer jolts of fear that tempt you to go stark raving insane...but you manage to hang in, there. And as the months/years pass, these anxiety attacks become a nuisance (like a migraine headach), but really mark you as a man who has real feelings for himself and this life.
Deal with each issue forthrightly, with confidence that you'll be fine. Reward yourself for your courage each and every day: have a cup of coffee in a friendly cafe, watch a fun video, take a leisurely stroll, meditate, whatever.
Oh, and make sure you have some good, hearty laughs each and every day. Watch a comedy, or read something funny, or crack your own jokes!
AOL funnels gobs and gobs of money towards anti-gay and other anti-progressive Neocon groups. Why would any progressive, therefore, stay with such a Hitleresque company, once knowing the truth? No one will escape their own karma, no matter how they try to get away with stuff. Some people who joined the Nazi party in the early years, dropped out later when they learned the real truth about these evil ones. Sadly, some remained with the Nazi party. Sadly, the same can be said for some "progressives" when it comes to remaining with AOL.
They never admit it, but the fact that homosexuals are directly terrorized by right-wing forces funded by powerful mega-corporations, does appear to slake their own sadistic anti-gay whims. So why not have your cake AND eat it too? Act gay friendly on the surface as a self-labled "progressive" or "liberal", while gleefully twisting the knife in queer backs via surreptitious participation in this anti-gay terrorist regime...even if that simply means remaining SILENT and INACTIVE. "I'm only doing my job," was the Nazi mantra back then. Today, it's "Switching from AOL to another provider is just TOO confusing."
There is no excuse at this point in time and space. It is not "too difficult" to change subscription...and when one now knows of the horrendous evil propagated by the Religious Reich, and that AOL is one of their major contributors...well, then, one must make a bit of an effort, a bit of a sacrifice, to untangle one's own self from the monster's tentacles, eh?
BTW for dialup service, I recommend any of the following providers as a sane alternative to AOL:
They're all nationwide, so most likely at least ONE of 'em has a local access number for your neck of the woods. (Especially Renomail, which specializes in remote and rural locations across Amerika.)
And one must ALSO broadcast to others, the wickedness that is AOL...for just as some big companies fed the flames of WWII by profitting off Nazi purchases of Amerikan and allied forces' armaments...some big companies today, are feeding this new rise of Nazi terrorism. Particularly when it comes to homophobia: terrorism and violence in the name of heterosexism.
Any progressive of good conscience would make as many others as possible, aware of AOL's strong homophobic agenda. Here are several links for the evidence you can share:
Some years from now (maybe a hundred or more), the Anti-Gay Holocaust will go on record as officially starting in 1996, once Prez Clinton signed DOMA. If you are heterosexual, and consider yourself gay friendly and progressively responsible: and don't know what I mean by DOMA...well, all I can say is "shame on you".
The Defense of Marriage Act was signed into Federal law by Bill Clinton. Essentially, this opened the door to establishing sexual minorities as second-class citizens in perpetuity. For who needs defending, and who are the threats? DOMA proclaims that no state of this nation is obliged to recognize a same-sex marriage performed in any other state. So we are essentially saying that heteros need to be defended against homosexuals!
Just as Hitler in his early years of tyranny, declared homosexuals (and other marginalized groups) a poison on the German culture. Now, we are declared a poison on hetero Amerikan family values. All boils down to the same thing:
But the tables will turn in favor of LGBTs and their allies, after approx. 2-1/2 years of global holocaust...targeting queers first to make society more vulnerable (as even the good liberal heteros continue to ignore our plight). Look to gay rights for the key to world peace. Look to gay marriage (not domestic partner, civil union, or any other phrase minus the word "gay" and the word "marriage").
Roll up your sleeves and fight alongside your gay brothers and sisters: for the only way to victory in the name of all that's good and righteous, is through the LGBT platform. Strike down homophobia wherever it may arise. For only then can the seeds of peace be planted, by providing soil free of harmful ideological bacteria, especially violent machismo. Make gay bashing and all other anti-gay bigotry inexcusable and punishable by law, and you also make a strong case against promoting the "real man = gay basher" syndrome.
It is my conclusion after years of being a most thoughtful and dedicated gay activist, that resolving homophobia on this planet for once and for all, is the cornerstone to genuine world peace and individual freedom. It is a psychic virus that has crippled the human race ever since Cain slew Abel. It is time to rid our species of any negative notion (not just violence) one may have towards another, simply for not being heterosexual.
Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 From: Zeke Krahlin To: John Subject: Re: Won the lawsuit, got the moolah!
Quoting John :
That's just great! I'm so happy for you.
Thanks John. And: part of the agreement also includes they can NEVER, EVER raise our rent for the duration we choose to live here!
Our lawyer turned out mediocre...for he let at least $30,000 more slip through each of our hands. We could easily have walked away with $40,000, considering the horrid prolonged circumstances that generated this lawsuit.
What else contributed to losing so much of what we should have won: all the other plaintiffs (but two) hate me, and thus created a roadblock in respecting my viewpoints, which would have kept the ante up. They poisoned the attorney about me, so he wouldn't take things I said seriously. So the lesson they learned is how they botched up because of their own malicious natures.
However, I should be happy, for my faith in God has been answered most magnificently. For I trusted I'd have the money to take care of my teeth, before things got too bad. And he did.
Well, I would've liked to travel a bit, too. Like riding the trains along the west coast and into Vancouver...and even perhaps along Canada's southern border.
Or getting a hot new computer system. Or spending a bunch to promote my activism. Or taking my houseless buddies for a great adventure in a rented van and touring the northwest. Oh, well.
You can't always get what you want, but you get what you need.
Besides, I'm CERTAIN that this is but a prelude to all the good fortune that has just begun to come my way.
Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2005 From: email@example.com To: Zeke Krahlin Subject: Our Beloved Baby Cat is Dead; and We Need Support (cross posted)
Our Beloved Baby Cat is Dead; and We Need Support (cross posted)
On Monday night just before midnight met me at the BART system as I was returning from work. We have an emergency: Simba is really sick. We rushed him to the emergency after hours vet and they immediately put him on oxygen while they took X-rays and did blood work. At first we suspected some accidental poisoning and they one of the feline viruses, but the conclusion, after the tests came back as even more horrific. Due to some genetic misfiring our beautiful strong solid little guy had suddenly destroyed almost all of his red blood cells. His little pink nose and inside ear parts were white and his little chest was heaving.
When they typed his blood prior to a transfusion they revealed that even this might be very risky and make him sicker, but that if he were to continue to live, he needed this, and quickly. The vet said that he might be maintained through very frequent vet visits for tests, twice daily medications, and becoming an indoor, and castrated cat......
All this for a little guy who delighted in being free, who was incredibly clever and sneaky at getting out when he wanted out and accustomed to vanishing for 12 hours at a time about his catly business when he so chose. A cat to whom this freedom to prowl was his major joy. And given it, he was one of the most joyous beings I have ever known. The night before he'd seemed his normal self. Sitting on my lap and trying to eat all the shrimps out of my shrimp --fried rice. ( I didn't give him enough, I'm sorry to say). Maybe he was a little less reluctant to come out of the drizzle and get warm, but himself.
The vet told us that even with the transfusions and daily medications his prognosis was very guarded at best, he could easily go into crisis like now again. She recommended that we euthanize him and, finally we did. We returned to the hospital to say goodbye and so that he would at least die in our arms.
He was such a gallant kitty, after four hours on oxygen he felt a little stronger and walked off the metal examination table to perch on the nearby scale, he was still curious, still had some life in him, still wanted to live. We took the choice from him, explaining as best we could, told him we'd always love him and miss him and called in the vet to let him go. When I got home, I kept wanting to call him, kept sensing him outside wanting me to let him in. Finally I realized I had to tell his spirit that although he was always welcome, it was ok to move on and rest with Bast and Sekhmet. The pressure was less after that---but oh, we miss him.
My turn, I guess. For anyone who has never loved an animal companion, whether cat, dog, parrot, horse or hamster or ?? we hold there is an empty place in that one's heart. Gaia wrote the title in the subject line; that's how much this has hit us and how deeply she feels the wound from our loss of a friend, a companion we loved as much as a human son.
No human love is as pure and honest as that of an animal who has chosen to live with us, and whom can we love with such abandon and so much?
We have had four cats in the 27+ years we've been together, and each was unique and wonderful. They were Graymalkin, Willow, Pyewackit and Simba.
Even Willow, whose time with us was brief; a feral kitty taught to sneak in the windows of cat owners by her endlessly preggie Momcat, who adopted us and came to stay, not too bright but sweet and looking for all the world like a "pussie willow," she endeared her to ourselves and, like Simba, died very suddenly and unexpectedly, and far too young. She was a companion and competitor with and for our Graymalkin, our poetic and gentle little trooper. He had an allergy from fleas, so he always itched and had sores all over. Some idiot shot him in the eye with a pellet or bb-gun, so we had a hellish time trying to at least keep the eye, though it was blinded. He was in varying degrees of pain all the fourteen years he gifted us with his presence, and we shed enough tears when he left us to fill a well.
Pyewackit was known to many, for we couldn't keep from talking about our little girl. She was love and comfort, a warm companion when we felt down, and a delight at all times. She was delicate and pretty, a lady among cats, a queen among queens.
Simba was our little lion. He came to us quite magically soon after we bid Pyewackit farewell, and he was every inch a boy. He was fearless and smart, an imp with an imperious "Lion King" quality. We don't know if he was ever a hunter, because, unlike all the others, he never gave us the offering of a mouse's head or some part of a bird. But he loved being outside. Once he had streaked by us to jet out the door, there was no keeping him in. He must have mated, at least once, because he would come home to us with that "Irish" look of having done his Tommy task.
When we came home from work or shopping, he would be running up the sidewalk to greet us. When we left to get on the train, he would follow us for blocks, sometimes making us even later than usual, and we are usually late everywhere. He had to be led back home, as he wouldn't be carried. In fact, he didn't like being carried or even held, as if that was too much intimate bonding for some reason, or he was fearful of imprisonment, of being trapped.
He was in control, and that never changed. He would sleep at our feet, but never cuddle at our breast, and if we picked him up, he would struggle to get free. Near the end though, he would sit on our laps while at this computer, purring and yet with mobile tail indicating inner conflict over this.
Like teenagers everywhere, his freedom was more than anything else to him. Feed him, water him, pet him, love him and then watch him go out to conquer worlds. We would put a belled collar on him, over and over, since he somehow managed to get all of them off, even when theoretically tight enough to stay on.
Even when so sick, he tried to stand up in the oxygen box so as to greet us. So full of life, (I can barely write) he was so beautiful. I will never know if letting him go was the right thing, though we imagine he would have been suffering in many ways if he were somehow maintained alive, since the only chance for that would have been strong immuno-suppressants, often in each day, that would leave him vulnerable for everything. And even the chance of that seemed iffy at best and following a full transfusion. (But I feel I am like him, since I live with injections and other constraints.) Yet I know why I do these things, and he could never understand.
The vet refused to say "Do it," or "Don't do it." We only had her word on how sick he was, and we feel horrible over letting him go, and we only hope it was the right thing to do, and we shall never know. Meanwhile we are in mourning.
Gaia Wildewoode and Robin Goodfellow
Our Beloved Baby Cat is Dead; and We Need Support (cross posted)
Plenty of support from this quarter, Gaia & Robin! The Romans had it right when they called Gaia's creatures "animals"...for it comes from the Latin "anima" which means "soul". How astute to call these creatures "little souls", for that is what they truly are.
You opened your home and your hearts to such creatures, in the feline family. You gave these delightful orphans a home filled with love, humor, and warmth. It is always a painful time when one of your best friends passes on. Having to perform a mercy killing is a travesty to all that preceded.
Yet you did the right thing. A painful, painful choice...but the only other option would have been incredibly prolonged suffering with little joy for your kitty. While he is free to move on, I have a strong hunch your brave tiger will visit often, in spirit. And you'll know it, by sounds of his feet padding, the knocking around of boxes, and other little activities particular to him, and him alone.
Love never dies; only the costumes change. Another furry darling will soon appear at your door. Meanwhile, I'll light a candle tonight, just for your loss and this most difficult passage. My prayers/spells are always powerful, so don't be surprised if something magickal happens to either or both or you, tonight during my meditation on your behelf. I will perform my ritual and spell casting from 9pm to 9:10pm. And then throughout the remainder of the night, I'll send an army of good thoughts your way.
Your friend across The Bay:
P.S.: I'm proud to say I was BORN in the Year of the Tiger, and that my last name by birth is: CATalano.
Date: Sun, 13 Feb 2005 07:09:45 EST From: Gaiarobin@aol.com To: Zeke Krahlin Subject: Light From Darkness
As you all know, because we could not contain our tears, our beloved Simba was taken from us, all so suddenly. We know we needed to fill the void he left in our hearts.
The most amazing thing happened today. I saw a strange black kitten sit on the outer ledge of our opposite apartment neighbors. We had never seen her before, yet she didn't mind being picked up and carried into our apartment. Intuitively, I dubbed her "Nuit," as she's like the sky Goddess of ancient KMT (Egypt). I thought later I might have called her Kali or Durga or any number of dark goddesses, but Nuit came to my mind.
I went out to buy Kitten Chow® leaving a note on the door to warn Gaia there's a kitten inside. When I got home, she had been spending some time with said kitten on her lap, purrrrrring. This is a baby, too small for a collar or to get shots or neutering, and cute, and curious, and friendly to us weird Berkeley people!
Now, of course, we are going to be prepared to surrender her if anyone leaves a note or other word of "ownership," (Cats own people; they just humor us to a very limited degree by letting us think we own them.)
But, she seems a gift of the gods, and I keep getting Egyptian images popping up in my mind as before when it was Bastet and Sekhmet who brought us Simba. Strangely enough, as I returned from the store it was Anubis who appeared in my visions. Now Anubis is not a god of cats, per se, so it puzzled me. All I can think of is how the guardian of the underworld might be the one to send out its Ka's, so a soul then represents the gods in this profound way. Did Simba give the God this request to ease our loneliness?
Now we just wait until we are certain no one is looking for his or her lost kitten. Then I think we can receive this gift with joy and gratitude.
Blesséd Be Namasté
Robin Goodfellow "May the long-time sun shine upon you, All Love surround you, And the Pure Light within you Guide your Way on..." (Sufi blessing)